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Tuesday, 31 August 2010

The taxi drivers handbook...

 This originally appeared in my column at HastingsObserver.co.uk




I’d like to take you through the Taxi drivers hand book provided by the illustrious and benevolent council who's rules I am forced to work under.


You can tell the depth of experience and knowledge that went into the “Taxi Bible” a document that defines, educates and confuses the average common Cab driver.  Until now it has been hidden from the public only ever to have its sacred pages thumbed by Hackney Carriage Masters of the craft.

So for the first time ever, may I present to you this sacred text…
 


1. When your customers comb-over has flopped over don't offer to comb it back for him and lick down the straggly bit...

2. If you unfortunately break down, tie your passengers to your waist and do a walking taxi to their destination...

3. When asked do you do “A set fare?” explain that you had loads of them earlier on, but have now sold out...

4. When you tell off a gay guy for his bad language, behaviour and bad shoes, don't put your hand on your hip, as you will look like your having a row with your boyfriend.

5. When a drunk falls asleep on your shoulder, and you want to avoid the possibility that he might hurt himself, please don't hang him from the mirror with his scarf to keep him upright, the police don't like it.

5.5 When asked if Lidles sell hair dye and upon arriving it has just shut, offer your black marker pen as an alternative...

6. When your customer "feeder" fattens you regularly with chocolates, start dropping hints for other stuff like pot roasts.

7. Don’t try to cheer up a landlady who's pub is on fire...

8. When drunken people want to go to the airport and they wont shut up, quieten them with the 1hr version of the trip instead of the usual legal 2hr version.

9. When asked can you take his bitch home, don't automatically assume he means his girlfriend, especially if he has a dog on a lead at the time.

10. If your passenger breaks wind in the cab, DON'T wind the window down! Because that's a clear admission of guilt...

11. The Cab is a device that locates and transports drunken Muppets in the dark, if you lose 'em we will find them. Always have the A-team theme music playing while driving them home...

12. When your customer is on the phone organising botox injections for herself, resist the urge to talk about formaldehyde...

there isn't a 13. When you throw out a foreign student because he wants you to find his banana, remember it could be his bandana he has lost down the side of the seat...

14. When someone shoots you with their finger gun, unleash your surface to air middle finger back at them...

15. When doctors, teachers and councillors HAVE to tell you what they do for a living, remember that they suffer from a form of tourette syndrome…

16. Don't let anyone in the cab with an Axe, unless its Halloween, and then only if it’s plastic and held by a little fat bloke...

17. When prostitutes ask you to hold something make sure its been cleaned first...

18. Don’t take home near naked wrestlers that have been plying their trade in a pool filled with jelly in a pub…

19. Refrain from taking cuttings from customers gardens If you have turned up ten minutes too early.

20. When your local MP is also an investment banker and venture capitalist, do bring your investment portfolio with you to her next surgery.

21. Do not to let a trendy person see you crying with laughter when he's just dropped his iphone down the drain outside a bar.


That’s all the elders would allow me to show you, maybe in time, perhaps in another thousand years, a photocopy of the next page can be cut and pasted for your discerning perusal.