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Tuesday, 31 August 2010

In the style of Twitter...

 This originally appeared in my column at HastingsObserver.co.uk

Hello Observers!


Yet again in the true vein and style of Twitter, I have for you some more experiences written originally as tweets (a short form sentence of up to 140 characters) and expanded for more clarity.


I have been asked why I don’t comment about local issues and topical stories in and around our lovely area. In a way I feel I do, what people say and think and act is a reflection of our local culture at the ground level.


I’ll leave the serious debates to the big boys of the Observer and the comments pages!

So, here are more stories about our residents!


Would you like some facts about me? you would! Blimey! I so happen to have some facts about my person, facts like…


-I sold shoes to the Harlem globetrotters…


-I keep a hoop and stick in the back of the Cab in case I break down…


-I can sew, and do a mean cushion…


Be careful what you wish for…


-Last year, Feeling Hungry, a dead seagull fell out of the sky by my Cab…my immediate thought was, next time, I must think of HOT food...


Things happen to me like…


-Either someone is throwing eggs at me from the building I’m next to, or a passing seagull has prematurely given birth mid flight…


-I hate having to “join in”, forced by hen night lovelies to wear a pink wig and it’s SO not a good look for me…


Oh! the things I’ve seen, I wish I hadn’t…


-Rather large woman passed me on a bike and um… couldn’t see the seat, I’m SURE it had a seat, but it wasn’t erm… visible!


-I found the mechanics spanner, it was still attached to the nut that I’m sure he WAS going to do up...


I know better…


-Why do gay men think they know better? I SO wouldn’t have picked THAT top with THOSE shoes!


-…and no! You are NOT entitled to your opinion! And that’s my INFORMED opinion so there!


Some people I wish I could have helped…




-I picked out a small elderly lady in the dark outside my office, Scared and jostled by the drunk and boisterous, I smiled, took her hand, put her in the Cab and drove her home…


-She is crying next to me in the cab, her pram and dolls safely in the back, she is seriously disturbed and she now lives in a home yet they allow her out alone I worry for her... (7yrs ago, she has now passed away)


- It took an hour to soothe a soul that has clearly given up…won’t ever know if it worked...


-Lady lost her best friend to cancer today, sat with her as long as I could, she left the cab smiling. Hope I helped with my cheeky gob...


-I can’t really look after your dog for an hour, I have to work you see, and… oh! please don’t cry! oh dear! He is a vulnerable old man going to the doctors and hasn’t got a lead for his dog, so I bought him some string…


Laws of Nature unobserved…


-Physical laws decree that balancing a box of chips in garlic sauce on your knee whilst waving to your mates when I'm turning a corner, won’t work, good job I have cat like reflexes and can steer with one knee…


-When you throw a bottle at a Taxi Driver, make sure your aim is good, as it will hit my tyre at the correct velocity and speed for my tyre to kiss it and send back to the exact point of the launching…the bottle by the way didn’t break on contact with his face, but Ooo! I’m sure it left a mark…


That’s it for this week! And as I’m scribbling away on my pad in the town centre I’ve just seen Three Vikings chasing a giant bee, I bet he's been pollinating again! Tsk tsk! AND a chap in a hoody walking past me wearing quality shiny black shoes, he's either upgrading gradually or has been out mugging again…




Until next time!