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Tuesday, 31 August 2010

cybermen and holidays...

 This originally appeared in my column for HastingsObserver.co.uk

Hello Observers of Hastings!


I’ve been on my Holidays! To Lake Garda, Limone to be precise, perhaps one of the most civilised places I’ve ever been to! An idyllic landscape and location. Had a few firsts for me whilst there like…
-I went in a cable car to the top of a 9000ft mountain, despite my fear of heights

-I went to a 98% German speaking Italian alpine village, where every road sign is in three languages Italian, German and Ladin ( A Celtic Roman-Latin language)

-I had a snowball thrown at me despite it being 38 Celsius at ground level

-I learned the value of oxygen, and how much less of it there is nearly two miles up!

-Had a ride in a Gondola and saw the tide coming up through the pavement outside St Marks Basilica in Venice!


-My wife had me screaming and like a girly, she chased me in the pool because of the underwater raspberry blowing belly incident...apparently women don’t like that…


Anyhoo! back on the ground now, and the redness from my slapped bottom is going down quite nicely. Did anything happen? Here then, are more sillies that have happened in the cab over the years and is featured unedited on my Twitter.com/Mr_Taxi_man page on the Interweb thingy!


Some things just happen…


-PLEASE! “Don’t take your clothes off in the cab” I tell a near naked woman, Oh! ok.. A surprise for your husband? I see! Erm… can you um… sit on this cloth then? Nah! Don’t want it back, you keep it.


-Four supermen in my cab, not one, four! and when you need one? They’re nowhere to be seen…


-I took a girl into town with long straight hair…when I took her home, it was short and curly! The power of a hot iron versus the power of rain eh?


-You've got dirt on your wedding dress? Well laying on my bonnet with your new husband didn’t help did it?


-One minute I’m putting a binge drinker in a hedge, the next, the road is blocked by a dozen dark horses just standing around in the dark!


-You like the idea of an alternative universe? Why? So you can annoy the other “me” in the other one as well?


-Outside the Frenches pub, A man dressed as Batman is arguing with Robin ’cos he forgot the fags, he tells Robin he's a big woman’s private bits, er…apparently.


Sometimes they are sort of famous…


-That Carol Mcgiffin, she was in my cab once, very drunk, thong pulled up her back, and fell out of the back door…


-I chased a lorry for Lenny Henry through the streets of London for ten minutes because he was expecting a sofa...but it was the wrong lorry!


-I took a Cyber man from Doctor Who to a photo shoot, I sat him in the front with me, with a seat belt on, I felt so sorry for that cyclist who crashed into that bus shelter…oops!


How was I supposed to know?


-How was I supposed to know that the bag I put my sandwiches in, was a sanitary bag? I thought the little lady on the bag was sort of cute!


-How was I supposed to know that her Henry, that had outlived his usefulness and was going to put in a skip was a vacuum cleaner? I thought she was talking about her dog or cat or possibly her Hubby!


The little devil in me…


I deliberately reversed slowly backwards, and the drunk couldn’t work out why he didn’t get any nearer! So he punched his legs and told them to hurry up!


No! I can’t drive as the crow flies! I have to use roads that are all sort of turny and twisty and uppy and downy and stoppy and starty…


That’s it from me for this week, I hope that what you read in this column cheers you up! It certainly gave me a chuckle at the time (or left me speechless) …which is hard really because I have so much to say and…Oh! never mind…


And remember, feel free to comment on my Twitter site (twitter.com/Mr_taxi_man) about anything you read here, I am happy to respond as I fully embrace change, in particular 10p and 20p pieces…


Until next time!