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Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Hello I'm That Mr Taximan Fella

 This originally appeared in my column online for the HastingsObserver.co.uk.

Alright Alright!

You can uncuff me now and remove the blindfold, I’ll do this blog. I didn’t think the Observer would ACTUALLY send the boys around! (I’m sure they said do a blag- I told ‘em I don’t do that anymore and…um, ok moving on…)

Hello! My Name is Keith, I drive a Cab for my sins, I have for some time now, written about my experiences with my customers on http://twitter.com/Mr_taxi_man Its all about the good, bad, funny and sad and poignant tales that cross my path over the years.


For example, (Ooo! I sound like a salesman!)


Things I’d learnt.


-I’ve learnt that I’d wished I had kept the gold stars that Sister Mary gave me at school. that'd show Mr clever clogs I pick up on weds...


-I've learnt not to trip and fall on top of old people when they have JUST left hospital...


-I've learnt that the mushroom bags from Tesco’s make great sick bags...


-I've learnt that replacing the passenger airbag with a breeze block wasn't one of my best ideas..


-I've learnt that when a drunk falls asleep on your bonnet, and your good at reversing, you can use your cab just like a spatula..


-I've learnt when a woman inquires If she is attractive that I must remember its shabby chic and not chubby chick...


-I've learnt to give way to my right when a "large person" is unconscious in the road...


-I’ve learnt that you spend hours nervously writing a blog for a newspaper, then write something completely different…


That’s 260 words so far, 200 to go, “They” want 450 words a week, or the “boys” will be back! People (and myself included ) also say and do stupid things in and out of my cab, things like…


-Eventually I woke him and he fell out of the cab! fortunately the nettle bush he fell face first into saved him...


-A very drunk lady told me to get lost… I told her I couldn’t because I know where I'm going...


-My Macmillan nurse asked me if I had any weight loss... I Told her I've been consistently fat...


-What's the furthest you've gone? she asked, "down to my pants" I replied...then I realised she meant distance…


-Idiot just slammed my door into a post, needs a good beating now! the door, not the Idiot…Well...maybe both.


-Just saw a police woman texting on her phone and walk straight into a lamp post! Oh! how I laughed a little bit...


-Er..No! I don’t do cash back…This isn’t Tesco cabs…well not yet anyway.


Sad things also happen, things that ground me as a person, they makes me think and reflect on life and its frailties, things like…


-They are very much in love, drugs taken their toll, either can barely walk, there was a kind of wisdom in they're softly spoken words, humbling..


-Took south African woman home from hospital, moved here to get away from the violence she was encountering in her home country and tonight her husband died...


-Woman who lived in rural Eire with her husband for 35yrs has now been replaced with 20yr old Thai girl, now 73,she is alone and scared, I held her hand for a while…


Well! That’s a small taste of what I do, all of life is here in Hastings and St Leonard’s right under our noses! don’t expect me to talk down this great town we all live in.. all of the ups and downs of life, love and the quirky are here! And I will be watching…and spilling the beans every now and again..


For the Unedited raw tweets click http://twitter.com/mr_taxi_man go to favourites to access the near worthy scribblings and say hello! I’d love to hear your comments!


Well…see you soon then…Shh! the Observer “bad boys” tied me to a chair to write this! um…just saying.

Until next time!