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Thursday, 30 September 2010

Confessions of a Cab Driver Part 1: Have you ever had to? I have...

 *This Originally appeared in my column at HastingsObserver.co.uk and in the Sabotagetimes.com

Hello All!

Have you ever had to do something you didn’t want to do? Have you done something for someone because they have asked for help and you don’t want to do it?

Oh! I have…

-Have you ever had to drive around an unconscious fat bloke in the road and observe the give way to your right rule? I have...

-Have you ever put a traffic cone on someone’s tummy to warn other road users? I have…

-Have you ever cut off the size 16 label off someone’s thong “just in case” she pulls? I have…

-Have you ever had to leave someone in a hedge with a note pinned to him to passers by asking them if anyone knows where he lives? I have…

-Have you ever had to tell off three gay men for wearing bad shoes? I have…

-Have you ever had to lick down someone’s comb over on a windy day? I have…

-Have you ever had to hold someone’s tummy in, so she can do up her zip on a bonnet of a cab? I have…

-Have you ever advised on how to cook the perfect loaf whilst power sliding over kebab meat? I have..

-Have you ever watched a fool punch your cab at 30mph and see him realise it flippin’ hurts when you do that? I have…

-Have you ever jokingly told a gambler the winners of the next four races only for them to actually win, then find he is stalking you for more tips? I have…

-Have you ever advised a man on what he should be wearing, to find yourself minutes later picking out his outfit, in his bedroom, with him standing in just his pants? I have…

-Have you ever advised a woman on what she should be wearing, To find yourself minutes later picking out an outfit with her standing in just her underwear? um... I have...

-Have you ever written something and then realised your wife reads your column faithfully every week? I have…

-Have you ever stopped traffic because all four of your passengers are  being sick in the road at the same time? I have…

-Have you watched a passengers dog leap out of the window of a moving cab to chase a fox? I have…


-Have you written the word “have” far too many times to be feasibly possible in one article? Um… I have…

Well! You can’t have too much of a good thing can you? Ok! Ok! I’m going, I'm going…



Until next time…

It's 42... No! not the meaning of life silly! The times I used the word "have" ...well its 43 now! Arse...