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Tuesday, 26 October 2010

The Taxi Chronicles part II of LXXII

This is part II of LXXII of the true twitter chronicles. They are a completely random selection of thousands of tweets I have done in my cab.


Tonight I've been called a motherfucker, prick and wanker. But I've also been called love, sexy and a diamond. A balanced evening all in...

Tracksuited young chap walked past me wearing quality shiny black shoes, either upgrading gradually or been mugging again... 

Drunk fell on my bonnet and fell asleep! I reversed slowly till he plopped onto the road, I knew my pancake spatula skills would come in handy...

Sad Idiot wants me to be his friend said he'd pay me £20 a week! Ahh! Thing is... do I give him my direct debit details or take cash? 

She's like mmm... So I'm like, no! So she's like oh pweese! So I'm like, that's the last time I open a packet of maltezers in front of a customer.


Blimey! This blokes is so big my auto adjust headlights are having a fit...

At Morrisons, and a twat is chucking apples at the security man (who owes me £5), anyhoo! I don't get involved in fruit based riots, not since Spitafeilds '72...


Big Russian asked me where he can get Smirnoff light? Bloody lightweight...

Drunken man with one leg trying to fight the bouncer at the spar shop... yes I said bouncer...

This is a dud lead pound coin mate! Yes I know Its got the queens head on it, but so has the bleedin' pub down the road...
 
Do I do cashback? Oh! You ain't getting it back matey, its all mine now...

He's like wadderfuculoolookinat? So I'm like, what? So he's like, wadderumeenufucbastard! So I'm like, what? So he's like, arghhhh! And got out...

Man has just punched my cab as I drove by! Trying to do the physics of it all, mass times velocity etc, equals it must've fuckin' hurt loads...

Whats going on at that Rob Brydon gig in town? No one has come out!  D'ya Think he's brain washing them into thinking he's funny? 


He's like STOP! I'm like whoa! He's like, "you gone past it innit" so I'm like "have you never heard of physics?" So he's like, I didn't do Physical education at school did I?

Mum with child who wants to be a Pyrex! I said what do you want to be a casserole dish for? Silence... then I realized he said pirate. gone a bit red.

Mum with young lad waving a light saber in back, he wanted me to beep his Nan, I told him his Jedi mind tricks wont work on me...

Bloke asked me what can he use to get rid of old wine... his kidneys I would have thought...

1 billion seconds ago was May 1975... the month I met my first wife, blimey! 1 billion times I've gone arghhhhh! 

Fat bloke was dancing in his seat to a song... so I turned the radio off. I don't want uneven tyre wear do I? 

At the weekend there was a lot of white powder on the back seat, a lady got in, wet her finger and dabbed it up! That is so rough... 

Amazing! At Heathrow Picking up a guy from St Petersberg where its minus 1,000,000 Celsius, and I cant get out of the car park cos its a little frosty...

Four burger wielding, chip engorged women staying at Bannatynes health spa... not taking this seriously are they? 

Lady asked if I have anything to drink, I told her the attendant will be along shortly with a fine selection of crisps and beverages...

Waiting for my pack of biscuits tip from Mrs mills, hope its shorties... I like a soaking wet shortie with me tea...

Took newly retired ex forces chap home, happily talking about shooting people so they looked like jam on the walls... I actually don't know what to say...

Driving a spare taxi last week and the driver has a cosh and chairleg and a large bolt under the seat, he must do carpentry and other assorted trades as well...

Found a love letter on the floor, it was heart wrenching and soulful, I don't know who dropped it, opened the window and I let the wind take it...