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Thursday, 4 November 2010

The Taxi chronicles Part III of LXXII OR tweetius from the taxius

More tweets from my cab, lightly expanded upon for more clarity...


Off to work then...The hordes are amassing on the hills above me, but I've got febreze and mints. Onward, you taxi warrior, onward...

Outside the Pig in paradise pub waiting for the temporary lights to change, and three lads are doing me a booty dance at the front  passenger window, what ever happened to cleaning car windscreens eh? 

I'm waiting for them to finish their drinks, I'm outside, Oh! I'm not taking them home now! It's been too long! I just want them to see me drive off... 

Just stressed out a couple of emo's, I high fived myself a couple of times in the Cab, I must have looked like an over excited gay guy clapping over a wonderful top I just bought...

A little coinage has just been thrust into my grubby... well... quite perfectly manicured manly man hands actually! 

Impossibly large woman on impossibly high stilettos just walked by, I'm impressed with the pounds per square inch these pavements can take...

He's got a doner kebab, she has a shish kebab, he says to her "I didn't know you was a classy bird" she says, "I have expensive tastes" ha! 

"I had a menswear shop in shepherds bush, I sold shoes to the Harlem globetrotters, and once hired the whole shop out to the BBC" *

*The above has got nothing to do with this article whatsoever... so moving on then...

Did a drug run, after the cab fare, they only had enough cash for one chicken and chips. So... saving up for the drug BMW will take a while then... 

Staring at me, She's Like wow! So I'm like what? So she's like, Ooo! So I'm like, what! So she's like, "you look like my dog!" So I'm like, wha...?

Well! Just taken two gynacoloj... ginacoll... gynacoll... er... two fanny doctors to their leaving party at the Porters bar In the old town. Lovely ladies! 

Took drug dealer to his local pub, poor thing looked vulnerable without his support staff, that's dog not person... 

The last woman customer wanted me to lubricate her back door, why assume I can get my hands on a can of WD40 at this time of night eh?

Guy jumps into the cab and says "drive" so I assume its a word association game and I say "path" he called me a c##t and got out...

"Fuck off you cock!" Is not what I wanted to hear when I told him what the fare was, he got out, and didn't pay me, He left his phone, ...so I made sure it hit a wall at 30mph...

A validation on how clean my shiny cab is, a local muppet just spat out of what he thought was my open window, which of course is closed... 

I Had my defiant face on as the police drove by, then realised I was parked legally, I did the face for nuthin'...Arse! 

"I'mafeduptiredcoveredinsquirtyfoamtaxidriver"


Arse! I think I ran over a Sun newspaper, I reversed over it to check though... and yes it was, but It's mush now... no change there then.

Overheard between two women, "you know how to satisfy my husband don't you?" you have him tomorrow nite, "It'll give me a chance to catch up with chores"

 Big lump of a bloke says he is training for a marathon, what as I'm thinking? A crowd control barrier?

Wife to husband in the back, "See that great ape on the telly holding a leaf over his head because it was raining?" That's you that is, you idiot...


And now a special true three parter... 


On the seafront a man is chatting to his friend by the road near the zebra crossing, his little dog is on an extendible lead, and it wandered to the centre of the zebra crossing, and I'm heading for it... 

I am aware of the people near the road but unaware the little white dog is on the white part of the crossing in the middle of the road, and the first time I see the dog is when when it flies past my windscreen attached to it's lead as I drive past the crossing...

The owner must have seen me and pulled on the lead so hard the dog flew thru the air, but... I think it landed in the sea, probably with a broken neck... didn't stop, didn't slow down, happened in seconds.

The end.

...And this is a short section dedicated to the gay community of my town


Lesbian couple at each others throats as they got in, had to referee the dispute, all ok and mwah mwah kissy kiss now. Cue super bloke music...

I'm flattered you find me SO attractive! thank you, and no, I'm not gay, yes I'm sure. (His shoes were SO wrong with that top) 

Just took four guys to the Camping site, surprised me, as they looked like they needed the mincing site a bit further on...


Slung out a foreign student who asked me to help him find his banana, I left him crying at the side of the road. Later, I found a bandana down the side of the seat, this may have been what he was going on about...oops!


So he's like, "Can I lick you?" So I'm like, "No!" So he's like, "Oh pweese!" So I'm like, stopped the cab, and dragged him out, so he's like, whaaaaa! So I'm like, whatever...

Next week, part IV...