This is a handy list I have had to firstly laminate because of minging garlic sauce and kebab juiced fingers. Secondly, I have had to produce this because of the constant repetitive requests. I have not covered everything, because there are some things I quite like doing and it breaks up my working night.
Please don’t ask me to…
- Take live sheep, one in the boot and one on your lap to a Halal butchers, wait for them to be cut into handy freezer sized pieces and then bring the warm twitching meat back home for you.
- Put a freshly road killed deer in the boot. Store it over night and take it to your mate the butcher in the morning.
- Be an removal lorry for students, A waste lorry to the local dump or a fridge freezer/cooker/washing machine deliverer and installer.
- Transport a dead dog to a sunny spot five yards from a cliff edge then be handed a hymn sheet and be expected to sing while you bury it.
- Be a getaway car for sacks of booze stolen from the pub plus three of your friends and not expect my office to phone the police who then arrest you at the lights. The paperwork is a mare.
- Be asked to drive onto a lawn so you can stand on my roof to break in through a window and steal back your CD’s and then ask me to come back later for the telly.
- Carry a freshly roasted whole hog to a beach party then go back for the white hot drum it was cooked in.
- Kidnap ANYONE. And that includes being part of an intervention to save your son from a life of drugs. Its still kidnapping.
- Keep quiet about the gun you are carrying, even if you did wink nicely and tip me.
- Listen to YOUR music. Anyway my CD player is broken and weirdly miraculously only works with MY CD’s.
- Taste anything. That includes body parts and strange food you have just smuggled into the country.
- Pretend I’m your boyfriend, male or female no exceptions. I may know your parents.
- Not notice you have drugged a girl and expect me to help you carry her into your flat and NOT phone the police.
- Use pliers to liberate your fanny piercing that has been wired shut by your sadistic boyfriend… All right I did this, but don’t ask me again.
- Launder money.
- Sell drugs for you. Even at wholesale rates.
- Help you beat up your ex girlfriends new boyfriend.
- Not laugh when you say “Follow that car” or “Drive” or “Step on it” or “Go! Go! Go!”
- Take your bitch home, It has caused offence in the past when I’ve assumed it was a girlfriend but on occasion it has actually meant a big nasty dog…
I reserve the right to accept or decline any of the above or combinations thereof depending how feckin’ bored I may be.
Enjoy your Journey.