Friday, 20 July 2012

My Twittersphere Needs You


It’s simple. I want you to lie more AND I don’t care if you are shit at lying either. Myself and my fellow Twitter brethren  are getting terribly bored lately and YOU are my problem, I Love being told a good story in the cab, I am not interested if it’s true or not, but it HAS to be good. I am a taxi driver, a stranger, someone you are unlikely to ever meet again. My association for bullshit is, like it or not, something I have to live with. So it’s ok, bring it on.

I used to get a lot of faux scientists that invented Jaffa cakes and smooth action tampons and people pretending to be fake doctors, when in fact most of them were still wearing their trainee nurse’s uniform under a coat, even had a guy pretending to be a famous drummer, which may have been true, he did have a stick. I also had a gold prospector that did his thing in his secret place in a wood nearby, he proudly waved a battery operated nail and metal finder thing from Wickes at me. Alas the tall stories have all but dried up.

It is true to say I sniff out bullshit and put it on the Twitter quite often, it’s not all rubbish, some tales are quite harrowing and treated with as much kindness and respect as I can. But COME ON! I need a bit of help here! My twitter page is not for talking about myself! Jaysus I’m dead boring me, I haven’t even got a hobby or a vice or a moany family to dribble on about. My life isn’t shit and I’ve not got any lurgies I want to share with you. I need my customers spouting bollox with regularity. If not to put on twitter but to at least keep me amused in my mundane work life that has me mostly sitting around taking pictures of lamp posts and judging cats size (NOT cats eyes btw.) there are some big pussies out there let me tell you.

Is Twitter to blame? Are you worried your BS will hit the Twittersphere via my internet-o-phone as soon as you get out of the cab? Er… well it will, AND if you are mildly famous, I have the means to get your golden bullshit into the actual papers made of actual paper. I knows people you know. I’m careful mind with the local townsfolk, I see a lot of dodgy behaviour from, quite frankly, supposedly respectable people and if I want to stay alive locally, I ain’t never seen nuffink, right?

So come on bring on the bullshit, don’t be afraid, the bloke that said he was a dog sterilizer, he went for it, he even had a squeezy bottle of bleach and a sponge (no, really, he did.) or the womanising eunuch. I don’t know what that is either, but don’t be telling me you are a porn star, male or female ‘cos that’s getting real old now.

I am @mr_taxi_man on Twitter, you can follow me if you want, you may get bored, waiting for a tweet from me is like waiting for a cab, a lot of nothing then ten come along at once.