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Tuesday, 31 August 2010

What makes a Taxi driver?

This originally appeared in my column at HastingsObserver.co.uk

Hello Observer sufferers …Erm…I mean surfers.


On Twitter, I read that apparently in a recent study, scientists have found a new nucleic compound in a DNA sample found at the retreat for wayward taxi drivers and rehab centre for kebab deliverers…


This new compound is called Uravinalaff a neo peptide sequence often found in bees brains, as they seem to get to where they are going, and are prone to the odd double back and zigzag across town…


Another further two complex compounds common in Kitkats and soup are urnotgetinthatin and mibootmatey, these are exclusive to the English local council compliant, extortionate fee and council tax paying hackney carriage licence holder…


So, to recap, Uravinalaff, Urnotgetinthatin, Mebootmatey are all exclusive to taxi drivers DNA, As well as an exclusively enlarged part of the brain called, the…um...Hippycamp… Hypocrit… Hippocamp…Oh! never mind…It’s located up there between the eyes somewhere…


Come on over to my Twitter.com/mr_taxi_man site where I talk mostly rubbish there too, but on an almost hourly basis.


Apart from a collection of complex DNA strings and various other convenient ironmongery, below, are something’s we also are…(Yes! I know! that’s terrible English isn’t it?)


Cab drivers are also Dieticians…


-We can advise on most foods that are barely consumable, and dispense advice such as, not eating kebabs and burgers with chips in the cab, and we don’t care if you’re willing to share it either! Also boiling pots of potatoes aren’t well received even if you have done them for your mum…


Cab drivers are fairly broad minded…


-Speaking personally I’m prone to worry a bit, when the two guys in the back are going on about this hot brunette they’ve seen and then I begin to realise they are talking about me…


Cab drivers often have to refrain…


-Refrain from speaking to certain types of women, especially when they look all reflectful and start sighing and say things like, " Oh! I wish I could think like a man" and all I'm thinking is; hurry up, pay me, get out...


Cab drivers have a keen eye for detail like…


-When you have just seen a cat and a dog followed by a hopping one legged seagull, running down the road, you immediately begin to wonder if Disney are doing one of those “Quest across the vast expanses to find their long lost owner” movie remakes,, and you also start to wonder where the hidden cameras are…


Cab drivers are known expert Fashionistas, (Next time you are in a cab look how well dressed he or she is! )


-It upset me and my sense of fashion when I saw this chap wearing skinny jeans which were clearly made for skinny people, combined with his extremely white belly that was hanging over his big belt made of bullets that were sadly…dummies!


-His mate by contrast is the opposite, a skinny bloke wearing baggy jeans that are obviously designed for bigger people, the jeans hang halfway down his boney thin thighs. The fact that he has no eyebrows and wearing a red Beanie hat, only made him look like a swan vesta matchstick!


I think it is your DUTY to phone the local fashion police if you see this couple near your Prada shoes and bag, as it will devalue your investment in your fineries…The emergency number is Gok one, Gok one, Gok one, if you ever see a fashion accident about to happen by the way…

More twitterings…


-Bare midriffs are good thing...normally! This ones tummy swallowed her belly button jewellery AND my elbow when she got in....



Cab drivers overhear things like…


-When I'm outside a late night bar in Hastings, and five guys are sharing the same cigarette and the same pint, and are discussing whether to go to school or not tomorrow...


Cab drivers are discreet and say nothing…


-He’s bit her chin, I think he was aiming elsewhere, potholes eh?...


-I say Edna when this taxi driver puts his flipping foot down, we can both enjoy a nice cup of tea.


A cab driver and his cab are instant, cheap, emergency removal lorries…


-You are NOT putting a half ton bouncy castle on my roof, I don’t care if you don’t get it back in time you will lose your deposit…


-Some students when moving abodes, think they are the first to come up with the brainwave idea of getting a cab to move them the 300 yards to the new flat that’s £1.20 a week cheaper than the one they are in! They stand on the pavement with 75 full black plastic bags. I sometimes drive past laughing so hard I hurt myself…




As you can see, the common Taxi driver is a wonder of nature, a divine movement of swift grace and change, (in all denominations except two pence’s), a thoughtful human of moderate girth, full of mirth, seen a few births and slapped a few Smurfs, (we get Muppets too, but mostly on Fridays.)


Right! I’m off to wash my Dior dungarees in the sink, because my washing machine is full of my Burberry twin sets and the Day-Glo beanie hats I got from the local fashion police auction.


Until next time!