Confessions of a Cab Driver, Part 7: I Have Agreed To Do Bad Things...Very Bad Things....

So...you want me to kill EVERYONE in the pub

From murder to theft. Cattle rustling to debt collection. I've been asked for my help to do it.  I hope there isn't a "Bad things I've agreed to list." at the pearly gates held by a clip board tapping angelic jobs worth, if so I'm completely bolloxed.  I've agreed to do bad things and some were very bad things indeed...


I've agreed to...Go back and kill everyone in the pub he has been kicked out of for him. He would, but his hand feels broken where he punched a wall and he has football in the morning.


I've agreed to...Run over a cyclist on the way back after I have dropped him and his girlfriend off because the cyclist looked like a "Poof." Got paid an extra fiver to do it too.

I've agreed to...Come back later and help him kill his next door neighbours dog. He has a spare machete I could use.

I've agreed to...Fulfilling her rape fantasy, she will leave her door open and I'm to creep in after my shift and rape her, "Any time I want."

I've agreed to...Drive to a field, be met by two men who were to give me something.  I am to take this to another address. The "Something" when I got there was two struggling sheep held down by four idiots.


    "If you ARE an idiot and think Taxi drivers will do anything as long as its on the meter, we would be the cheapest assassins on the planet and you would already have a calibre sized hole in your head."

I've agreed to...After I drop my customer off, go back to where we saw a dead deer, "Gut it first to keep the meat fresh."  Haul the dead 3/4 ton deer stag into the boot of my cab on my own, leave it overnight hanging out of the boot parked outside my house. Take it to a butcher he knows, get the cash then drive back to his house, give him the money. He will then give me "A couple of bob for my trouble." Yes, he was that stupid.

You want me to do what?

I've agreed to...Being shouted at outside his house so his wife could hear because he was three hours late home after fiddling with a floozy. He made me rehearse the dialogue as I drove him home, he was to shout about how late I was picking him up and I was a robbing bastard and he wasn't paying me. This actually happened without a hitch, word for word...except the bit where he hit me while his wife watched at the door in her dressing gown and slippers.  That bit wasn't in the rehearsal and was a complete surprise, he did whisper sorry though. He prepaid me a tenner for that slap.

I've agreed to...Drive to a business address and simply ask "Is the cheque ready" after what seems like a panic stricken few minutes with everybody quietly running about, a cheque is thrust into my hand, I then return it back to the person that hired me.  I later find out that this company uses cab drivers and couriers to get companies to pay up, they tell them they are sending the boys around. The reason it works is simple, the driver is normally so calm and polite when asking for the money he often has no idea he IS the "Menacing" boy that has been sent around.

There you have it, Cab drivers are often asked to do “Things” by the stupid AND the clever. Thing is, sometimes the stupid are clever and visa versa.  What is this potential killing, raping and thievery worth? Nothing. On the meter.  Base money.  The cheapest option that is available to idiots to access a man and a vehicle for however long they want.

We all know if a person wants to seriously kill people and their neighbours dog and asks a complete stranger to help. THEN provides a spare machete to do it, they obviously need psychiatric assistance.  If you Are an idiot and think Taxi drivers will do anything as long as its on the meter, we would be the cheapest assassins on the planet and you would already have a calibre sized hole in your head...

Apart from the debt collection and being slapped and shouted at, I didn't do any of the other things mentioned above. Obv.  Scarily, they were very sincere in their offers.  Trying to get a cab driver to do dodgy shenanigans for the minimum fare just highlights the level of IQ these idiots have and the small disposable income they have available, which equates to roughly my £2.50 minimum and 10p per hundred metres. Cheap ain't I?

Why agree at all? Just tell them an affirmative no! Right? I agree to this inanity to get them out of my cab quicker, easier than having a rambling often drunk and aggressive dickhead explaining his master plan to me for twenty long, mind numbing and oxygen depleting minutes.

So, St peter, I didn’t ACTUALLY do any of the very BAD things above, can you remember that when I turn up at the pearlies? The thing with the stolen milk float and the coffin we can discuss. Obv.

Confessions of a Cab Driver, Part 4: Yes! I know You've had a Crap Day...

I know you've had a hard week. Your boss who's still not old enough to shave yet has been pissing on your efforts and nicking your best ideas as his own and Imogen in accounts has accidentally Cc'd you in a company wide email telling everybody what a dick you are and what a small penis you have. Please when consoling your sorry life, for once, have one or maybe ten less drinks tonight and don't mix all your drugs into a vodka and red bullock and down it. Because tonight, I will be the sole beneficiary of all your bitterness, fashion mistakes and possibly your unbridled latent gay sexual tendencies and prove that, maybe Imogen in accounts was right. You ARE a dick.

Oh! You need reminding what you did recently? You can't remember? well, last time...


You danced and dicked about in your seat to my banging quality tunes and let's face it, you're more than a bit fat. I had to turn the music off.  I didn't want uneven tyre wear and give my auto self adjusting headlights a fit.

You got in the cab with your bucket of chicken and ask me if I wanted to see your giblets.

You punched my cab as I drove by. According to top physicists and anyone with a brain, mass times velocity etc, equals it must have feckin' hurt loads...

You wore stockings to that annual gimp n' flog dinner in town and they weren't even a matching pair! The vision of you tucking the excess fat into the tops of your fat hairy thighs and asking me to help still haunts me...

You fell asleep on my bonnet dribbling, I deposited you on to a nearby pile of dogs crap and regurgitated kebab meat. I am quite proud of my reversing skills and do it with a sushi chef like spatula precision.


You wobbled towards me covered in sick with a foot long saliva drip hanging from your lip in the hope of getting in my cab. I reversed slowly to match your speed to deliberately fuck with your head.  The vision of you punching your legs and shouting at them to hurry up is one of the highlights of my existence.

You acting like an idiot because you've been mixing your drugs, got you kicked out, you were far from home AND you didn't have any money. I normally provide a hoop and stick to continue your journey, but this is subject to stock availability and paying a heavy deposit and whether or not I can be arsed.

Nb: A fake Rolex may be considered as a deposit if it has all the correct markings and is designed to fool an expert. The ones designed to fool a chav on holiday in Turkey won't be accepted.

No, I don't know where his wallet is.

You fell into an unconscious drunken heap between two parked cars and flopped out your arms for a stretch JUST as I drove past. I, of course stopped and reversed over them again to see what I have just driven over. Sorry about that

You got in my Cab and after a while you put your hand between my thighs and stupidly asked "What shall I put as my facebook status in the morning hmm?" I suggested "Deceased" as I made a hole in your hand with my pen.

You asked, No. Menacingly demanded that I wait whilst you go back in to the bar, finish your drink and kiss all your friends goodbye...twice. I did wait, so when you eventually came out, you watched me drive off giving you my surface to air middle finger missile thing that only I think is funny.

Oh! Bollox... Forget all of the above. You're not going to pay attention to anything I've said are you? Just pay me that's all I ask. I'll even laugh at your jokes and carry you to your door. Just pay me that's all...

I know! I know! I'm fickle and lack conviction... Oh! And my least favourite phrase? "Don't worry driver, I won't be sick." Because that's my cue to power slide, stop and push you out into a nettle bush because you're about to be sick...


This has been published in the SabotageTimes.com

Sometimes people leave something of themselves behind...

 This Originally appeared in my column for the HastingsObserver.co.uk.

Hello all!


When I do my job, sometimes, people leave something of themselves with me, it is something that they impart, sometimes it is a wisdom that belies their years and social upbringing, sometimes its a despair and a grief of a kind that will leave you reeling with its potency, sometimes it is an injustice of life and crushing officialdom.

I’m sharing with you some of the moments that made me stop, made me contemplate that everybody, you and me, are a moment away from helplessness, a letter away from homelessness, and a heartbeat away from happiness.


These are short, they are my immediate thoughts I documented on Twitter as these dear souls left my Cab. I wont elaborate on any of them, there is no need to.


-She's been beaten by him too many times to count, battled scarred and broken, she is going to take him back tomorrow, because the kids love him and miss him...


-Young man back at his dad's house, his wife left him three years ago, he has just found his school sweetheart on facebook after trying to find her for 10yrs! Now their life is good, oh something's in my eye…


-Took someone home that clearly needs a break from the bad things in life, wish sometimes I could do something to take pain away.


-Woman crying, her son walked out of a first floor window 7 yrs ago, sat with her till she stopped. She says she has two children left, I told her that she has three children, always and forever three. I'm thinking about my own parents and sisters that I have lost. Other peoples grief can make your own resurface can’t it.


-His wife has stopped him seeing his children, even told him the 8, 7, and 2yr old are not his. He eyes were red and sodden, he looked beaten, Why do this? This evil is too common now...


-“I’ve not got long to live you know! she has been saying that for the last 10 years! Eyesight getting worse though because she never recognizes me...I wonder what she craves for…


-Just saw homeless ex-taxi driver, he wont accept help, hard to drive on by sometimes...


-She self harms, only looks twelve, she is 19. Social services has owned her son for a year now, she left an abusive relationship and started anew, alone. She dreams of seeing him again one day, didn’t take her money.


-She's leaving after 16 yrs in her job, the party was fine, armfuls of flowers, face full of well wished kisses, now crying alone in the back…


-Woman lived in rural Ireland with her husband for 35yrs, she has now been replaced with 25yr old Thai girl, She is now 73, alone and scared, I held her hand for a while…


-Seven years ago, I met a young girl covered in eczema, a loner, no shine, given up....saw her tonight! happy, shining, loads of pals...hope eh?


-Cool dude kisses all his friends goodnight gets into the cab and burst into tears, his mum died tonight and he didn’t tell his friends...


-He got in the cab and handed me his pizza and fell asleep, I woke him at his destination, he paid me, wandered off and forgot his pizza, so I gave it to homeless Dave...


A dear friend of mine has just ended a hard fought, hard to keep, fragile relationship, and despite the poems and the in-depth deep and intelligent analysis, sometimes it is best to just walk away, and I hope one day she does, and finds happiness along the way…don’t we all deserve at least that?




Until next time.