Hammy.

A small diminutive man. Drunk, happy and full of things to say, I cannot understand a single word so I nod an awful lot. He wears a tartan cap with a bright red bobble on top.  He is Scottish and sees the cultural irony in his choice of headwear. Worried that my constant nodding to his indecipherable drivel will turn into a twitch, I then decide to ‘hmm’ agreeingly. We arrive, he pays me in 2p and 20p pieces and I am now wondering should I reinforce the floor beneath my bed where my change bucket lives. He finally decides to leave the cab, his face bright red with joy matching his bobble on his cap. He stops, bellows something to me in drunk Glaswegian, opens his yellow polystyrene box of steaming hot fatty kebab meat, grabs a large handful of what scientists are still deciding whether it is meat at all and deposits it onto my instrument cowling right in front of me. The grease is hot and is already running down my leg and to my brogues that I dutifully polish every day. He is tearful at his bountiful generosity as he slaps the same greasy hand onto my shoulder and gives it a squeeze as he gets out, wobbles and falls into a bush. This was my tip. I drove home open mouthed, incredulous and in shock to wash and change. Took an hour to get the grease out of the carpet in the cab. AN HOUR.

Confessions of a Cab Driver Part 7: Loose Women And I Don't Mean Them On The Telly...

Here are ten ladies of little or no virtue that have been in the cab in the last twelve months. As my wife may decide to crunch my nuts with the 10oz flowery printed hammer she waves at me now and again, this could well be my last top ten involving women. So, here are the ladies that even the most desperate would say no to.

I certainly did... Er, say no I mean...

1. Whilst attempting to show a young lady how to alight and enter a vehicle in a more ladylike manner, I was forced to watch her front ladies bits wink at me as she got in and out of the cab about ten times... or was it 15 times? Or... maybe it was twenty...


2. Three young triple bellied ladies, that obviously didn't fall far from the ugly tree Jabba the hut must now live in, did the "Lets embarrass the taxi man thing" by all getting their large thrupenny bits out...


3. An extremely drunk lady in a tutu was offering various sexual delights if I let her in the cab, she continually banged on the window and was quite determined to get in. Thing is, I wasn't in my cab, it was locked and empty. Myself and other cabbies from other daddies were happily watching this vision of kebab grease dripping loveliness through the window of my office as we all enjoyed a nice cup of tea.


4. An elderly lady gave me her back door key and asked me to pop round after my shift. She mumbled something about "Her little bitch" I never did find out if she meant I was her new little bitch, or if she had given me her key to walk her dog. I still have the key tho...


5. Woman got in my cab wearing a strap on dildo. She said she wore it all evening at a party and offered to "Do me" with it, of course I refused. Pointing at the strap-on, she continued and said "Do me then"  I did feel a bit insulted that my natural god given appendage wasn't required. Not that I would have, but y'now my ego and a bag of change is all I have...


6. Not all of the morally irresponsible are female. A gay guy wanting to lick me and taste me, but he made the mistake of invading my personal space which is not unlike an international exclusion zone. As I dragged him out of the cab he was wailing "Don't do my face" So I didn't. Grown men crying at the roadside is so pathetic. And his shoes SO didn't match his outfit...


7. Young lady told me I was quite screwable, As I looked at this five stone eager temptress I did wonder into what? I told her I don't screw very well though, as I have a bayonet fitting...


8. A deal I was recently presented with, was I could have the cab fare, but I had to reach into her underwear and pull out the money. As I am always fiscally challenged and have to do things I'm not proud of to ensure my mortgage is paid, I lifted her tummy up and pulled out the neatly folded tenner and gave her the change. Antibacterial gel is so handy isn't it?


9. A middle aged man offered me the "Opportunity" to "Enjoy" his wife whom was also sitting in the back, as long as he could watch. The last time I was asked this I pretended to be gay, but that ended up with the wife wanting to watch...


10. Scottish woman tapped on the window and straight away offered me sex, right now. She said she wanted to "Live for today" I told her I only live for tomorrow and drove off...

10a. Young lady said she wanted to get dirty and naughty before she gets home. Excitedly, I suggested we could kick over a wheelie bin. But she got out with the hump calling me an unmentionable thing I really cannot divulge.


I have dozens of occasions that are rather too graphic and sick to be published. Don't try to get me to tell, because I most certainly will not. Well... Alright! Offers over £50 quid gets you all the filth... and I'll even email it with a plain brown paper packaging type background.


Disclaimer.

With the exception of putting my hand down a ladies under garment to retrieve a tenner, (remember, I am fiscally challenged) I didn't use a strap-on or lick and touch any of these rough morally challenged ladies of little virtue in the making of this article. I am clearly a victim and my trauma wasn't covered by any injury lawyers for me type insurance policy either. I may have potentially invited a divorce hearing from Mrs T. M. (again) and I hope the hell I went through this year to bring you this article is appreciated.