Excerpt from ‘Taxi
Driving for Dummies’, which I really should get around to finish writing.
This is a comprehensive but not
exhaustive list of conversation prompts to be used in most verbal situations
whilst driving a taxi. May be used also if a complete stranger gets in your
car, and you are leering at the bloke/package/woman/breasts/legs/arse to your
immediate right.
1. To
most, people that work.
“How is your
business/trade in the current economic climate?”
Let them
cry/gloat/moan. Nod a lot and do your sincere face.
2. To
people that are unable to answer first question.
Talk about the
weather and then agree about the weather then both jointly tut about the
weather.
3. To people that do not talk.
Do not talk.
4. To
people that are homeless.
Do not say
anything patronising with “Why don’t you” in it.
5. To
all housewives/stay at home mums
Disbelieve they
are old enough to even have children.
6. To
all elderly men.
Talk about sex,
point at a sexy girl and give a wink and a nudge.
7. To
all elderly women.
Talk about
sex/tell them to stop undressing you with them eyes.
8. To
all single late twenty something men.
Convince them
they are getting a bit old for that now.
9. To
all single late twenty something women.
Console them;
convince them they are still attractive. Do not sleep with them.
10. To all single late thirty something men.
10. To all single late thirty something men.
“I can smell
your liver, are you an alcoholic?” is not a good conversation starter, often ends with man crying for 45 minutes.
11. To all late thirty something women.
11. To all late thirty something women.
Avoid
conversation of any kind, look straight ahead. Do NOT make eye contact.
If you accidentally make a connection, telling
them you are married/gay unfortunately will not work. Good luck.
12. To
forty something single men
A: If they are dressed well, congratulate them on what must have been an amazing bachelor life.
B: If they are not dressed well and smell of dog and cigarettes. Talk about dogs and cigarettes.
13. To single/married/divorced/fresh out of prison late forty to fifty something women.
Be very careful. They will have you if they so wish it.
A: If they are dressed well, congratulate them on what must have been an amazing bachelor life.
B: If they are not dressed well and smell of dog and cigarettes. Talk about dogs and cigarettes.
13. To single/married/divorced/fresh out of prison late forty to fifty something women.
Be very careful. They will have you if they so wish it.
Treat like
omnipotent beings that can, with a click of their finger snap you out of
existence/or your pants.
14. To all teenagers.
Mirror their
conversation adding lots of “innits”/whatevers” and “sick” You will still get
paid in 2 pence pieces and not get a tip, but you WILL get a “Cheers dude” or a
“Laters” which is a clear sign of respect and a sign you don’t look that old
yet, which is nice.
To everyone
else. Smile and say nothing, they may have other taxi drivers locked in a
cellar somewhere.
NB: Non-Payers
A. If they faux pat themselves down in 00:10th
of a second, do not believe them and relieve them of items that you can sell on
Ebay.
B. If they undress themselves in a sheer panic and
offer you, watches/phones/new shoes in bag as payment, believe them and help
accordingly. If they take off their shoes and look in their socks for the money,
they are clearly taking the piss.
In the next
chapter “How to Leave Drunks in Hedges” we discuss the correct obtuse angle to
leave near comatose inebriates in their own hedge. The 116° or 130° conundrum
discussed.
Originally Published In The Sabotagetimes.com
Originally Published In The Sabotagetimes.com
