Friday, 24 September 2010

Local news around my parts...

This article is totally non global and very locally specific this week! but you are most welcome to read on! It will appear in my weekly column that I write for in my local newspaper, The Hastings Observer online. thank you.

Hello again!

This week, I’m commenting on the local Hastings Observer news, well…It might be last weeks now! but it was this weeks when I mashed my fists on this extra large keyboard at the time of writing. Below are the actual headlines that has appeared here recently online, I have added my opinion in a poor attempt to be more locally topical! (and no, I don’t mean ointment..)

And here are those headlines…

Hotelier has plans for a modern plaza on Hastings seafront.
-This means he has bought a table and four chairs from Tesco’s and has plans to use them outside somewhere…

Teen fined for swearing at his mother in the street.
-I didn’t get fined for swearing at my mum, I got to see stars and didn’t go out for three months.

St Leonard’s praised for unique character.
-Well! I should think so too! Seeing as he was one of the most venerated saints of the late Middle Ages!

Shoplifters two day spree nets beef, DVDs and chocolates.
-My two day shoplifting spree was in Woolworths aged six, I nicked a humbug on day one and a toffee that broke my tooth on day two.

Row over Pelham crescent access.
-I don’t plan to buy a kayak and row over anywhere…

Dad spends his birthday in the dock.
-How lovely! The east end docks are quite trendy these days, I wonder which one he went to?

Former college to be turned into new houses.
-Now this is just silly, we all know magic isn’t real!

And in Club news…

St Leonard’s bridge club.
-St Leonard will be pleased his bridge club is still going, we have come a long way since the middle ages wooden ones eh? We have some really big metal ones now.

Air-raid sirens sound over Silverhill.
-Bert, 92, wasn’t told the war was over, the Messerschmitt he thought he saw was in fact a scale model flown by Sid aged 9 from Bohemia. He was glad to hear the new Asda store wasn’t a German U-boat factory!

And in more local news…

Nursery’s dismay after play area funds frozen.
 -Who’s idea was it to put them in the freezer anyway hmm?

Councillor’s street light warning.
-What is he going to warn next? The traffic lights?

Mother and daughters horseback fundraiser.
 -I wasn’t happy with these two, as they trampled my flowers and got the snotty horse to knock on my door. Shake a tin in the town centre like everybody else…

Well! That’s the news from around these parts…

And now the news from around my parts…

The things going on in the Cab recently have been the usual mix of smelly dogs, smelly people and odd women with pretend broken backs, a special mention for the Idiot that wanted to put a 50”inch plasma TV into a 36” inch boot! Also, a man and woman were being sick in a synchronised way four times each in the same journey! And a Woman who admitted to stabbing her husband and having an affair! Anyhoo! for more of that stuff head over to there is nearly 6000 more like that!

Oh! Did I say magic wasn’t real?

My Downs syndrome customer and I were doing a little dance sitting in the cab at the traffic lights. (there was a local councillor shouting at them, how odd!)  an Abba song was playing on the radio, he kept secretly turning up the volume when I looked away, so I pretending it was the Cab mysteriously doing it to wind me up, he was beside himself with laughter! Which made me laugh so much I was teary eyed! I realised in that moment that sometimes its good to have just plain silly fun! the sort of fun you miss having with your children because they get olderer and more seriouserer…

Next time you get your grown up and ever so serious and edgy sons or daughters back home, greet them with a water pistol at the door! you might get your children back… just for a while…

Until next time.