Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Cabbyish things...

This originally appeared on my weekly column for the Hastings

Hello again!

I’ve had lots of  feedback (All three of them) about my last attempt to inform and enlighten about all that is cabbyish, like, “who let him loose with a pen?”  also, “Is the Observer letters of complaints page going to be a separate pull out now?” and, “Oh dear! Google apparently keeps track of him, what a waste of resources” and that’s just the positive comments, I wont dwell on the threatening ones the Observer boys with their stay sharp suits and pointy pens send me, they are SO picky!

Apologies if you recognise yourself here or even on my Twitter page on the interweb, your secrets are safe with me, (but shared with thousands all around the world!) umm.. unless it’s illegal, but then they will be written down on a statement sheet down at the local nickery wont they!

Shall we introduce anonymously, the daft honourable citizens of this general geographical area? Ok! Here are some of my tweets that refer to some of our lovely residents…

How about this mathematical genius?

Guy worked out his beers are 30% Cheaper in Morrison's than Londis, Then gets a Cab there and back for Just 3 cans! ..Clever bloke eh?

Or this Gent,

A nice little Scottish man with a cap left me a handful of steaming doner meat on my dashboard as a tip, he cried at his kindness… I cried at the hot fat dribbling onto my leg.

Or this chap with his foot in his mouth,

A Cringe moment for one of my regulars, My step daughter bent down, waved at me blew a kiss and walked off, My regular then blokey nudge winked at me.... I then told him who she was…

Oh! I have my blokey moments as well, Oh yes!

I dropped my saveloy down the side of the seat, picked the fluff off, drama over... Phew!

Ooo! I found a penny and… a strawberry chewit! A bit squashed but do-able! Woohoo! Nom nom!

I had Words with gay guy about his bad language, then realised I had my hand on my hip as I was telling him off, Now people think I've had a row with my boyfriend…

Must remind myself not to pick my nose and look at it when at the lights near the Carlisle pub, I’ve just become the entertainment for about a dozen drinkers…

I overhear a lot of gossip and inappropriate comments like,

-Wife to husband: "I picked the wrong brother and I hate you“ (didn’t need aircon for that journey it was icy enough!)

-Woman talking to her friend  “They are building social Housing near me”  her friend replied “Oh dear, maybe if you talk to the council they will put that sort somewhere else”  (had to bit hard on my lip on that occasion!)

Woman to Husband: “See that monkey on the telly using a leaf as an umbrella over his head because it was raining? Husband “wha..?” wife continues “that’s you that is“…

I get called names…but there are extended variations now.. “Alright mate” was once the  greeting of choice for us working class types, they have become more family orientated, like, “Alright Bruv and Alright Cuz“, not heard Alright Unc, Alright Nan, or Alright 2nd Cuz on me dads side yet..

And sometimes I wonder…

-Why do little squeaky blokes think they can talk like Shaft when they've had too much to drink?

-Why, when I try to tell him that getting three bottles of wine to take home when the pub closes is a sign of being an alcoholic, he says it's a sign of a good disposable income...

If you would like to see more of my 4,500 micro blogs (yes, I talk a lot!) go to and get the unedited versions and see a snapshot of  a working night.

Before I go, Maybe you can answer this: How could a seagull possibly know I've used the last of my screen wash?

Until next time!