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Monday, 8 November 2010

Confessions of a Cab Driver, Part 6: Saturday Night Fever.

I was going to walk you through one of my recent, yet gruelling normal Saturday nights on an almost minute by minute basis, but that article was a yard and a half long and the internet isn't that big, I also realised your scrolling finger will probably get cramp, so I've cut this down quite a bit.

-18:15 Kicked the tyres, my left toe noticed a 15.02 lbs per square inch discrepancy in the offside rear tyre. my ingrown toe nail is now killing me and after checking the cab mirror 62 times, realised it's time see the doctor again about my OCD.

-18:30 I Went back indoors, I'd forgotten my phone and my bag containing the hip flask, emergency tent and flares I might one day need.  I set off for work again. I log on with my onboard console, the Controller said something unspeakable on the radio to me and logged me back off, but I persisted and end up crashing the computer at the office again. I drive into town, what a lovely evening...

-18:40 I returned home, I'd forgotten my money bag, tip box and hairspray, I left the “Do not disturb” sign at home,  I usually put it on the dash when I'm having a kip. Off to work again... and wonder if I locked the door and turned the gas off…

-18:57 …Off to work (again) I buy some milk, get home, (again) I realised I was supposed to be going to work...

-19:20 I still have the milk I bought earlier, the Controller thanked me for being so thoughtful and to put it with the other 9 pints in the fridge, he bemoaned there is no tea or coffee though.  I notice a giant chocolate bar in the fridge and I devise a plan to get my treat for the evening...

-19:25 I'm caught nicking chocolate bar out of the fridge and I'm dragged to my Cab and told to feck off somewhere else…

-19:26 Bored… No customers yet, I drive off to a quiet spot and rest my eyes for just a second or two...

-19:40 I was woken by a paramedic trying to get in the cab, a passer-by thought I'd had a stroke, trying to explain to him that my face always goes like that when I'm having a kip. My office has also rung me 14 times...

"I don't verbally take the piss out of men who, if they sat on me, wouldn't even notice me rammed up their crack..."  

-19:50 I drive to pick up my first fare of the night and it's a young mum and her 3 year old daughter, who says, "Mum, I want bacon for dinner." Her mum replied, "We've got smoky bacon sausages!" Sternly and with the coldest stare I've only seen in the Exorcist film the 3 year old said, "If they don’t taste like bacon, you're in so much trouble."

-20:00 Small dog in a Diamanté pooch carrier has pooped itself. The owner holds it out of the cab window to stop me from heaving and being sick, dog poops itself even more as traffic is heading towards him at a combined speed of sixty miles an hour.

-20:30 I take typhoid Mary home to Bexhill, she's sniffing and sneezing all the way there, I keep saying bless you mechanically for maybe a hundred times. She grabs my thigh with her bony shaky hand... not sure if the thigh squeeze was to steady herself as she got out though...

-21:00 I Had to have words with a gay guy about his bad language, I realised too late, after he minced off that I had my hand on my hip as I was telling him off, now people outside the bar think I've had a row with my boyfriend…

Between 21:15 and 22:00 I take the usual parade of coked up drunks to their favourite pubs where their drug dealers reside and trade...

-22:15 Guy asked me where he can get a shag, so I took him to the tobacconist, I told him he can get ready rubbed there too. Judging by the look on his face, I don't think he understood the concept of tobaccony.


-22:45 I dropped off a twat in a hat in Battle High Street.  On returning, I take the sweeping right hand bend by the Abbey a little too fast, power sliding is not my forte and I end up pointing in the wrong direction.  I blame the bloody Normans, they could have built that Abbey 50 yards more to the right, at least the Romans did straight lines…

-22:55 The lap dancing lady is changing for work in the back of the cab, her boyfriend thinks she is babysitting, and I'm the official patent black stiletto boots holder and looker afterer...

-23:05 I'm off to Bexhill with a bespectacled fidgety old man, and he unbelievably strokes my thigh! After I told him to fuck right off,  he tried to escape, but I have to help him out of the cab because he is quite old.  I also check to see if my colleagues have put a "Stroke the drivers thigh" sign anywhere on the cab.


-00:15 An obese man barely got in the hole where my passenger door normally sits, he's SO BIG he gets in backwards, it was like squeezing a large marshmallow into a small hole and couldn't help doing the "Beep, beep, vehicle reversing" sound  in my mind, that's because I don't verbally take the piss out of men who, if they sat on me, wouldn't even notice me rammed up their crack...

-01:15 I ran over a seagull and a thoughtful kebab munching female puts her empty yellow polystyrene kebab box over it's lifeless body in the road.  As it was desperately trying to take off when I drove over it, It's wings were still outstretched. A crowd gathered around to mourn what now looks like a kebab angel... Sad.


I didn't take this pic btw...well I did, from somebody else's blog... I wanted to illustrate the importance of seatbelts obviously

-02:15 I get back to my office and fight my way through the usual baying throng of customers, of which some try to bribe me with cash, snogs and/or straight sex to get a cab quicker, I endure this to reach my prize, the chocolate bar in the fridge.  I knew the Controller would be too busy to notice me, he's being abused by a trio of ladies trying to get through the steel bars and steel door in my office to beat him up.

-02:45 I couldn't eat any more of my pillaged chocolate, so I use what's left to bribe two gobby fat girls in tutu's to shut up. It of course works...

-03:00 A stupefyingly drunken prick tries to pay me twice. A clear case of penile dementia...The idiot now thinks he got a free cab and said he will be using me again.


-04:00 Woman in the back asked me if I find her attractive. I really must remember next time I'm asked it's shabby chic and not chubby chick...

-05:00 I find out from my colleagues that the Controller has been telling all my customers if they stroke my thigh they will get the fare cheaper... Next week I'm leaving laxative chocolate dressed as a "normal" type in the fridge for him. bastard...

There it is, 11 hours of the ordinary and the chaotic blended into one blur of a night. I did 35 jobs and only told you about a few, the sun refuses to come up and I toddle off home. I make myself a deserving cup of tea, open my fridge and realise why I bought milk eleven hours ago. Black tea and porridge made with coffeemate for me then...