Thursday, 21 April 2011

Men! We are at War...

Pippa's Arse this, Pippa's pert bottom that, What is the matter with you lot? Pippa Middleton's arse is not a religious icon, admittedly though, it was discovered by the world in a big church. Get a grip men, it's part of their plan for us to focus on her derrière whilst the rest of them take over the world.  Confused? You should be, you and I mister are in the middle of a long war...

What am I talking about? Women. Birds. Babes. Chicks. or Oi!  Whatever your favourite cute slang word for them may be, you don't understand them do you?  You throw your hands up in the air and accept the age old bollox that men are from Mars and women are from another galaxy, Andromeda probably, that's near but far enough away isn't it?

You've seen him right? We all have, the pug ugly bloke with the stunner on his arm, what's he got you haven't hmm?

My commander in chief.
The answer is not what he has, it's how he talks to women. He is a general.  One of our glorious leaders in the war.  Men judge other men, ie; I feel better because I'm taller, dress well, and have more money than him. Women have created that reoccurring thought beast.

A woman doesn't really think like that.  Ever.  To attract a female and proceed into the upper ranks of manhood is far more basic and simple for most beaten submissive men to understand. Now your thinking come on then Mr Big Bollox what is this great magical secret?

Take The Piss.

Three words. The only ammo we will ever need in this war. Pippa's arse? Pah! I would have slapped it and sent her on ahead to get the beers in.

Successful Battle Strategy Example: 1.1 section 1. first paragraph, taken from the blue book of being a man, which is green by the way...

"At a bar, you've seen a filly you'd like to um... Talk to.  Walk up to her, (she is already preprogrammed with a selection of laughs, put down's and cold icy stares at your weak line of chat) buy yourself a drink.  Never, ever, buy her a drink.  Instigate eye contact and say something simple like, "Your top doesn't match your shoes" and walk away, don't make any more eye contact or look back. Guaranteed during the course of the evening she will approach and ask YOU what you meant.

Your hair colour is clashing with me shirt

Ok, she has finally approached you, now what? Remember she is probably an admiral of her local fleet of fillies, like the navy, there are more admirals than captains. Note: she is ready to fire off a diatribe at you that is rapid and well rehearsed.  Tell her someone as stunning as her should really buy better shoes.  Stop.  Tell her you have to talk to a friend and walk away from her a second time.

You have now thrown her the equivalent of a stun grenade, she is standing there outside her comfort zone. You have complimented her and rejected her, she is confused. You haven't disrespected her.  You haven't invaded her space or made any sexual innuendos. She has a highly sophisticated inbuilt defend and destroy system to use on you. But her system has just crashed. The "Blue screen of death" to coin a phrase has just gone off in her head.

Walk back immediately during her reboot, be quick, they reactivate pretty damn fast. look at your watch, make sure it's a good one as women naturally have good profiling skills, Lorus and Timex and anything that can be bought from the Argos catalogue tells them you are a dick. Tell her to put your number in her phone, explain you are busy for the next couple of days, but to ring you and maybe you'll have a coffee at a place of your choosing and if you're free and have the time. You have not relinquished any control.  You have not been threatening or demanding. You have told her nothing about you, but you HAVE told her you're in charge and you are not needy or wanting.  She now believes she is dealing with a senior officer. You told her she was stunning and she wants to hear more...

         End of communication.

Leer and you get nowhere. Yes, women love to be told they are attractive, do it in a slimy way and they gain control over you and the battle is lost. Women love MEN, not men that mirror a woman.

Even if you are in a "Relationship" the war is raging on...(what the fuck happened to the concept of boyfriend and girlfriend? It doesn't even appear as an option on facebook! Not even noticed that have you?) The word "Relationship" is a heavy armoured weapon they use to smash you quickly into being a submissive twat. Its a word that YOU should own to flatten her into submission when you feel the time is right to take the next step, not her.

The Battle Plans: excerpt from section 3.2. "Living with the enemy"

A cheeky but effective way to keep your "Relationship" from sinking, Why not phone your partner at work, convince her to remove her undies and post them to YOUR workplace. (Next day open the envelope to a FULL viewing office, say nothing and put the undies in your drawer, act as if this is normal.) This is the same as getting a promotion by the way.  She will be coming home wearing no underwear, she will be expecting something and make sure you give it to her.

NB: DON'T send your pants in the post to her.  The post-room boys will open it and hand them to her in front of a full office. THIS is not the same kudos as YOU got. And don't be expecting something when she gets home, well, apart from a jab in the ging gangs with a stiletto. You lose this one soldier.

Confidence gentlemen and a bit of patience is the key. Oh! Women will tell you this article is a load of bollox. Ignore their ploy and subterfuge. Men, there is a war going on.

Take the Piss and do it well men. It's a war and they are winning, they almost have you where they want you, as a servile lap dog, the irony is they love a bad boy, whilst they demand YOU comply, they yearn for the bad boy, in their dreams and secret thoughts.

Rules of Engagement: excerpt from section 4.1

Attire, Buy good clobber, expensive always clean brogues, spend at least a months salary on a decent watch, Invest in a nail cleaning kit thing women have and keep nails and your teeth clean at all times.

She can handle any size weapon
Misbehave, don't disrespect. Throw a tantrum, don't be violent. And for fucks sake, man up! Lets stop this age of men showing women their female side, show her your manhood and show it often. Then stop. Throw her a googly, show her tenderness, love and little acts of beauty. (Don't buy her flowers, only do that for your mum or nan) YOU own all these weapons. So start using them now, She will only unconditionally surrender and end this damn war to the man that has these qualities.

One day in a not too distant future, our glorious fallen flat capped forefathers will salute their sons for retaking this battlefield. Pubs will be back, women will be in the snug as grateful girlfriends and Bars will be Banks again. And only then, will you be a man my son...