East End Royalty and Me... Honest Guv...

East End royalty. My associations with the great and the dodgy are far reaching and by some, too far fetched to be believed. But no, my little bunnies of doubt, they are in fact all true...


In the mid fifties my Dad's half of the family descended on Bethnal Green from Ireland, they did their bit and succeeded to overpopulate an already overly populated East End. My grandad's sister spawned a sprog that spawned Patsy Palmer, 'er of EastEnders fame.


I was given over to the nuns at the school of our Lady of Assumption to be caned and abused for a few years. Whilst there my fellow abusee and classmate Bernadette  had a brother that grew into the Tommy Walsh that does all that gardening and building malarkey on the telly.


In the early 60's aged five I was pushed aside by one of the Kray Twins cronies outside Pellichi's Cafe in Bethnal Green Road. My mum said the crony got a slap from Reggie and I got a pat on the head from Ronnie and a strawberry sarsaparilla.


As a teenager my girlfriend Joanne's sister went on to marry WBC World Flyweight champion Charlie Magri. While watching Charlie's "This is your life" tribute on the telly in 1983, my new young ex wife wasn't best pleased when I recalled the intimate details of my time with Charlie's sister in law, I slept on the settee for a couple of nights. I last heard he ran the Victoria pub in Bow, a pub I have had at least two fights in myself. It is now used by the trendy checked shirt and black jeans brigade and muso's that have been kicked out of Shoreditch for not being trendy enough.


My secondary school, now closed, is the set for the CBBC children's program M.I. High. Nope! I haven't a bleedin' clue what that is either. I frequented my school albeit quite infrequently with Michael Cashman ex EastEnders actor, gay rights charity founder of Stonewall and Labour MEP for the West Midlands. He would have been smashed and bashed if we found out that he had parliamentary tendencies back then.


In the 70's I occasionally played with an all too willing big breasted plaything in the stairwell of the flats I was dragged up in. My mate Terry who lined up to cop a feel AFTER me, had a little git of a brother who annoyingly always turned up when my fondling of this amply breasted prize was in full grope.  That little brother is now the Royally commanded comedian Micky Flanagan.  I'll give him bleedin' "out out"


Billy Ocean worked in the same rag trade sweatshop in Bethnal Green Road as my sister and mum. Billy still regularly says hello to my ex wife, why? I don't know. His ex touring and recording saxophonist Wes Magoogan famed for his alto sax solo on Hazel O'Connor's track "Will you" and the Ska revivalist band "The Beat" is a person of my acquaintance, he too was dragged up near me. He sadly chopped his fingers off with a chop saw.

I recall these and other ditties from the cities arse end of London now and again if I can indeed be arsed. I do have a captive audience seeing as I have control of the volume knob and the central locking and as I'm licensed to carry no more than four persons by the council of horrors down my way, I could entertain and give vast monologues of complete bollox all night long.  But, I am oft dumbfounded and entertained more by the very minor and the very ordinary instead.